5 Things a Survivor Needs to Learn

by Treehouse Editors

from Alle C. Hall, author of Crashing

It was cherry blossom season. I sat on hard grass in the cold March sun and read the survivor’s Bible, The Courage to Heal. Tears, when I read what I had felt between my teeth since the abuse started but could never find words for: I was not a victim. I was a survivor. As Courage says, I earned that title. To move to an entirely new level of surviving, however, into thriving, there were five things I needed to internalize.

  1. The facts of the abuse, the details, are important for only as long as they are important. It was everything to name them. Over time, the facts blurred into two thoughts: I was raped. A lot.
  2. The facts can be so dramatic. They seem like the hard stuff to heal from. But the facts don’t have lasting impact. What lasts is the need for approbation from the wrong sources, the reliance on the addictions. Saying the right thing at the wrong time, being too loud or too quiet; feeling perfect until we tumble; not knowing how to do simple things that to others seem innate: being honest on a resume; saying, “You’re cute.”
  3. It is possible to learn how to love and be loved.
  4. There is no need to confront an abuser. Abusers don’t cop to it, such as: “I never thought that raping you would make you feel bad.” Do we imagine that a confrontation will change them? “Let’s go to counseling together.” “Let’s be family again.”
  5. I wanted an apology. I don’t need an apology. I don’t need them to change, to tell me they believe me.

I believe me.